No Visits Home–My Thoughts & Feelings


MARCH 7TH, 2022

Lord, I am having feelings that no one understands but you!

My poem, “A Visit Home” described the joy Ben brought to my/our lives

But now—the visits are over forever, and I am left to cope.

There is no way to describe how I feel about it all.

I miss his sweet innocence, his pats when giving and getting hugs,

his joy at the smallest things…our shopping trips, our eating at the Mall together,

his smile and handshake to the people at Sunday School and Church,

his glowing look as the music was being sung, and his occasional joining in on a hymn.

It was as though he “came alive,” and was a person again!

Now, because of ONE “meltdown” at home at age 57, the decision

we always dreaded—HAD to be made.  He pushed me and I fell…injuring my knee.

He doesn’t realize his own strength, especially when upset.

At age 80—we cannot handle it—we couldn’t even handle it at age 38.

Then, Covid 19 came along, as well as other health issues for me.

We weren’t even able to go see him like we had planned, and the time

we did (during the pandemic), he looked so sad and forlorn!

I try, (periodically), to explain to people that I know well what all this entails.

They seem to listen, but there is not even a hug or kind word afterwards.

They go on about their business cheerfully, and it HURTS so bad Lord!

I can tell him we miss him, and I think he understands, but of course we can’t

go into the details or truly have a conversation about it because he can’t talk!

We’re also afraid that might upset him, so feel it’s better to leave well enough alone.

This is why I come to You Lord.  It helps to write it all down…to remember

the good times, no matter how much it hurts…to see it all from Your Heavenly perspective…

to be reminded that someday, in Paradise, we will be able to enjoy Ben

to the fullest…to converse with him and share a laugh together…to be affectionate,

and fully understand for the 1st time what all this Autism was about in Your plan for our lives.

I praise you Lord—even though I hurt inside, You have blessed us all the way

through this problem and its consequences.  May you watch between Ben and Jay and I

while we are absent…one from another!  Thank You for the good care he has

always gotten where he lives, and for the Christian people who love  him there.

Please let him know deep down that he is loved and missed.

This July 4th (2022), he will be 60 years old, and will have lived away from home for

46 years.  Still, it seems like only yesterday that he was a very BIG part of our lives.

It was often very troublesome and sad, but the good outweighed the bad, and he

was/is my/our son!  It hurts even yet though Lord!  Grant me/us Your peace and joy…

even in the midst of this LONG tribulation!  Thank You Lord

About autism45

I am the mother of a fifty-nine year old autistic son. My blog, autism45, contains journals, poems, pictures, photography, letters, and other writings and insights pertaining to autism and the spiritual growth we (my husband and I) have experienced from it all. I hope you will visit my blog, and benefit from all I have shared...all that has happened through the years. Take your time, and come back again and again. God bless you and yours!
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